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June 27, 2019

I’ve been digitizing all of the photos and videos I have from my family and found this picture of my mom the other day. I had never seen it before. A never before seen picture is a gift unlike any other when someone has died. It feels like finding out a book or a movie...

July 3, 2018

One week after Mom's death I had my first re-occurring dream. The dream came to me many, many times in the first three years after her death. The dream always started with a phone call from Mom. 

"Hello?" I say.

"Hi Honey!"

"Mom?"

"Yeah! Hey sweetie, how are you?"

I hesitat...

July 3, 2018

It was a cold Kansas morning, but Mom's voice was warm and comforting as she pulled back the covers on my bed and tucked herself in beside me.

"Good morning,  Jenny girl. It's butterfly day," she whispered in my ear.

I rolled over to face Mom and pressed my nose against...

June 6, 2018

Dear Daughter,

I hate that you have joined this terrible club. We are the club that no one has ever wanted to join, that many will never understand and many more will choose to ignore. We are the daughters of mothers who have died by suicide.  

I want to wrap my arm...

May 13, 2018

I remember the dread I used to feel as Mother's Day approached.

In those first few years after Mom died the commercials and the cards in every aisle served as a constant, relentless reminder of what was lost. 

I’m grateful that the heavy weight of dread is gone now. Mo...

November 17, 2017

Motherhood has defined my life. Even before I became a mother myself.

Ever since I can remember I’ve felt that it was impossible for people to understand me without understanding my mother. Our relationship was messy, overwhelming and profound. When she died her absence...

November 17, 2017

I gasp and shake my shoulders trying to dislodge the feeling that I’m drowning.

I place one hand on my chest to steady my heart beat. The knuckles on my other hand are white from gripping the steering wheel. It hits me like I’m hearing it for the first time even though...

November 16, 2017

“How long will it take?” I used to wonder in the first few days after my mom’s suicide, “How long will it take before I can’t remember what she said in our last phone call? How long will it take before I struggle to remember her smile, her laugh, her scent?”

When my mom...

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